Once again our nation is under attack. New Orleans and the surrounding Gulf Coast have been devastated by a terrorist strike, the likes of which the world has never seen.

Responsibility for this atrocity has been claimed by a previously unknown terrorist cell, calling itself “Mother Nature.” Little is known at this stage about Mother Nature. However, it seems likely that Mother Nature has been living among us for many years, deviously avoiding detection by our intelligence services, biding its time and waiting for an opportunity to strike.

From what we do know, it is clear that Mother Nature possesses weapons of mass destruction, capable of targeting American cities. The sophistication of its weaponry and the detail that has gone into its planning, suggests possible links between Mother Nature and Al Quaida. Furthermore, it is clear that a terrorist operation of this magnitude could not be carried out without considerable funding, most likely from Iran or North Korea.

My fellow Americans, you may be asking yourselves “why do they hate us so much?” The answer is that Mother Nature envies our freedom. Mother Nature wishes to prevent the spread of our capitalist system to all the nations and peoples of the world. Mother Nature wishes to destroy our cities and our industries. It is no coincidence that Mother Nature targeted this attack at the very heart of America’s oil production and refining industry.

I have a very clear message to send to Mother Nature on behalf of the American people. Mother Nature, you can run but you cannot hide! Wherever you go, we will hunt you down. To the civilized democracies of the world, I say, if you are not with us you are with the terrorists! If you value your freedom, if we are to protect our shared values, you must join us in this crusade. Together, we must destroy Mother Nature!